How To Kiss

These days if we want answers to questions we turn to the internet. You can find the answer to almost any question online. But what is the most asked ‘how?’ question asked online? What set of instructions do we as a race of people look to Google for the most? Allow me to spell it out for you. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

How To Kiss

If you go to Google and search for something that begins with ‘how to…’ you will be offered the most commonly searched  ‘how to…’ phrases.

‘How to lose weight fast’ is popular and ‘how to tie a tie’ is up there too. But at the top of the list is ‘how to kiss’. I myself remember googling a similar thing a few years back, once the girl germ rumours were proved to be nothing more than rumours. And with Valentine’s Day scheduled for this Sunday it suddenly seems important to look at the hows and tos and fros of kissing.

Kissing cannot be satisfactorily achieved by simply running to first base on a baseball field or by sitting up in a tree and spelling out verbs with another person. There is no fail-safe plan of attack that can lead to kissing nor ensure that said kissing is enjoyable for all.

body and lips

The best thing a person can do is think the right things whilst kissing. Kissing is a psychological activity controlled 98% by the brain and 2% by excess saliva. So here are some topic suggestions for thinking and not thinking about during kissing.


1. Butterflies
2. Eyelashes
3. Lips
4. A world without cold sores
5. Warm showers
6. Freshly-ironed pants
7. Baby horses
8. Foal
9. Sponge cakes
10. Anything dappled (exluding infectious diseases)


1. Windmills
2. Jackhammers
3. Jack Nicholson
4. Gums
5. Bleeding gums
6. Helicopters
7. Stilt walking
8. England
9. Licking the spoon
10. Circular breathing

8 thoughts on “How To Kiss”

  1. I don’t know too much about this Google, but according to the figures, more people are asking “how to download youtube videos” and of course, “how to have sex”, than they are about kissing.

    Still, the most prominent response to question “how to kiss” is a news article about Coronation Street screening its first lesbian kiss. The second is an article on WikiHow. Here is an extract from Kiss # 2: The French Kiss:

    Slowly open your mouth a little bit more and gently push your tongue a little farther into their mouth until the tip of your tongue meets the tip of theirs. Let your tongues brush against each other briefly and gently and then pull it away, back into your own mouth.

    Academic stuff!

  2. look, mate, are you trying to say that jack nicholson’s not a romantic sensitive man? because we might have a problem in that case.

  3. Funny post! I’ve tried the same in Portuguese, but I’ve got “como fazer um msn”, something such as “how to have a msn account”. Quite disappointing! It’s probably because our Valentine’s day is in June and a bit different from yours.

  4. Wow, in Turkish the first one on the list was “nasıl hamile kalınır” “how to get pregnant.”

    and one more interesting thing, the keyword with most hits was “how to gain weight” with 462.000 hits, compared to 100.000 ” how to lose weight.” Unexpected, isn’t it?

  5. Great reading last night. Have you ever considered acting?! Looking forward to book # 2 already.. All the best for wherever the future takes you.


  6. Well, on Google Australia and UK, how to kiss is on top.
    On Google US and Canada, how to tie a tie is on top.
    And on Google Mexico, it’s how to make love (if you type it in Spanish)

  7. The Italian google has “come si fa l’amore” (how to make love) and “come si bacia” (how to kiss) as first and second results.

    we’re maybe romantics!

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